Thank you once again, gentle reader, for visiting the ECW On TNN Report here at ScoopsWrestling.com. I am the world's forgotten boy, the one who searches and destroys, the Innovator Of Internet Violence and The Webmaster Of Extreme, CJ Marsicano (Iggy-Popus Lyric-Quotus)… and please forgive the bluntness of tonight's report folks. I'm a little burnt out this week so if I'm not as funny as usual, that's why…
We start off this week's episode by returning to the Hammersmith Ballroom in New York City, (scene of last week's episode as well as this December's forthcoming PPV). Joey Styles (Actionus Descriptus) gives his customary greeting and Joel Gertner (Chubbius Significantii) boasts of doing 27 Rockettes, a New York Knicks cheerleader, and the Statue Of Liberty in this week's White Dolemite rhyme. Cyrus The Network Virus (Canuckus Schmuckus) comes out to interrupt the proceedings for the first time in weeks. Gertner takes off his bowtie neckbrace in preperation for what's to come. Cyrus gets in the ring and declares the show to be "cancelled". He then complains about ECW coming to New York, and then sees Gertner waiting to kick his keister. He boasts of making "everyone in ECW" bend over, and claims that no New Yorker can stand up to the Network. Bad choice of words, as Paul Heyman (Dio Extremii) runs out of the back and smashes a cell phone over the back of Cyrus' head. Rhino (Gigantus Effen-dealus) comes out, grabs Heyman, motions for Cyrus and evil referee Danny Davis to set up a table in the corner, and gores him through the table. Cyrus then takes the mic and starts taunting assorted members of the audience. One fan runs into the ring and tries to attack Rhino but several Atlas security and NYPD run in and arrest him. Rhino, rather disrespectful of the law, headbutts one of the New York cops in the balls. The locker room empties and we have an impromptu battle royal on our hands. Kid Kash (Bawitibawas Luchadoris) runs in, bodysurfs over everyone's heads, and goes right after Rhino. As the megaschmozz continues, the theme music of the Sandman (Chuggus Alcoholus) plays and Styles announces over the play-by-play that he is making his way to the ring. While Rhino stomps Kid Kash, the rest of the locker room continues to brawl outside the ring. The Sandman gets into the ring, caneshots Rhino several times in the head, but gets gored by the Big F'n Deal anyway. Rhino then throws the Sandman outside and continues to beat on him, getting mixed up in the schmozz on the outside as it slowly makes its way back to the locker room. Kash takes the opportunity to plancha onto the entire "extreme mosh pit", toppling everyone over like dominoes.
Kash climbs back in the ring, bur Rhino follows and starts the match proper. Kash dodges Rhino and leaps off the top rope, hitting a huracanrana. Rhino answers back with a spear. "Walk" plays and Rob Van Dam (Payperviewii Monarchus) runs in with a chair, gets in the ring, and executes a dropkick Van Daminator, then passes the chair to Bill Alfonso (Managerius Championii) who holds it in front of Rhino's face prepatory to a Van Terminator. Van Dam drags Rhino to the middle of the ring, helps Kash to one corner, mounts the other, the duo hit stereo legdrops on Rhino, Kash covers, a ref makes the three count, and Kid Kash becomes, to his own disbelief, the ECW World TV Champion.
In a Hardcore Hotline promo, Joey promises stories of a former ECW World Heavyweight champion returning to ECW, the latest on the feuding Survivor women wanting to get into the wrestling ring, and Goldberg's recent backstage attack on Evan Karagias.
An Extreme Replay recaps in 60 seconds everything that went on during the past 15 minutes.
The Sinister Minister (Hilarious Interviewus), along with Mikey Whipwreck (Foleyus Protegii) and Yoshihiro Tajiri (Japanicus Buzzsawus), delivers this week's sermon from the middle of Times Square (a mere few feet away from TNN parent company MTV's studios!). "People say to me all the time, 'Padre, you haven't slept since 1972 - what do you do with all that time - among other things - on your hands?' The truth is, I spend that time thinking scintillatingly evil thoughts, the kind of thoughts that cause a great deal of discomfort to the FBI. I've sent more than their fair share of demons their way, and like the incubus I am, I've been screwing with their minds. But I assure you this, I am not nearly as sick and twisted as the new ECW World Tag Team Champions, Mikey Whipwreck and Yoshihiro Tajiri." Tajiri then kicks a quick promo of his own… in fluent Spanish! Mikey is rather surprised at Tajiri's choice of dialect, but the Padre assures him, "A true devil speaks varied tongues."
The Blue Boy (Skinnius Meanie-us) and Jasmine St. Claire (Gangbangis Maximus) come out to the ring. Gertner, not surprisingly, is marking out for the former porn queen a little too audibly. Balls Mahoney (Chairswingingus Rex), with a smile on his face, a chair in his hand, and probably a hangover from guest bartending at "ECW New York" last week, follows, presumably to be the Blue Boy's opponent. After a commercial break, we see the match in full swing with Mahoney in control for the first several minutes with his trademark singalong punches as well as showing off more of his amateur background. Blue gains the upper hand by leaping off the ropes and clotheslining his opponent, then picks him up, slams him, hits an elbow, and makes a pin attempt. He leans Balls' head over the bottom rope, allowing St. Clair to chokle Balls out. Blue hits a legsweep and makes another cover attempt. Blue tries to knock Balls down with some punches of his own, but Balls shrugs them off and taunts Blue with a good old American "F*ck you, you piece of sh*t!" Balls clotheslines Blue and covers but doesn't get three. Balls hits the Ballbreaker and makes a second pin attempt. Balls ascends the turnbuckle, hits the New Jersey Jam (flying legdrop), and would have gotten the three count, but St. Clair has the referee, extreme official H.C. Loc (Takus No-Shitus), distracted. Balls reacts to this by grabbing St. Clair, and, not caring where she has been over the past several years, kisses her. Gertner calls the spot over commentary as, "Jasmine has got a mouthful of Balls!" Blue schoolboys and clotheslines Balls, followed by another unsucessful pin atttempt. Balls reverses a Meanie whip, superkicks him, takes hold of his chair, waits for Blue to get up, hits a hard chairshot, and makes the cover. Jasmine takes the chair and tries to chairshot Balls in the back, but the chairshot is rather weak. Balls reacts by giving her a Nutcracker Suite. Gertner: "Jasmine St. Clair has gone down!" Balls then carries St. Clair over, and places her over her unconscious beau in a simulated sixty-nine position. Joey: "Hey Joel, that didn't even cost you a token!"
Highlights are aired from last week's and this week's Hardcore TV shows: Tommy Dreamer (Innovatus Violencis) & Jerry Lynn (Newefen Showus) defeating Rob Van Dam & Kid Kash; Spike Dudley (Ingesii Hallugigenus) caning and acid-dropping Rhino followed by Justin Credible (Totalii Rectumus) tombstoning Spike, followed by Lynn defeating Credible while The Queen Of All Bitches, Francine (Semenis Recepticalis) looks on in disgust. This is followed by highlights from this week's Hardcore TV with CW Anderson (IV Horsemanis Wanna-beus) defeating Lynn with the aid of evil ref Danny Davis (Villanus Favoris).
We return to "ECW New York" where RedDog (Bigus Badus Baldus) is a guest bouncer this week. He carries an "offender" out on his shoulders, takes him across the street from the bar, drops him on the sidewalk, and grabs him by the leg, only to find out that the leg is a prosthetic. Ooops.
Joey promos the next several weeks' worth of tour dates, starting with tonight's ECW Canadian debut and continuing through mid-October.
The FBI (Paisanus Patheticus) come out for their matchup with the tag champs, Mikey Whipwreck and Yoshihiro Tajiri. If the FBI loses this match, they have vowed to disband for good. Mikey and Tajiri come out with the Sinister Minister, clearly the crowd favorites this evening. Joey: "The Sinister Minister has really gotten Mikey Whipwreck and Yoshihiro Tajiri on the same page. What book they're reading, I have no idea!" When Big Sal is introduced, Joey says, "He could be his own borough of New York!"
The match starts with Mikey and Tony Mamaluke tying up. The crowd are chanting for the Unholy Altar Boy. Mieky goes for a Whippersnapper but Tony counters, gets hiptossed, delivers a hiptoss of his own and locks on a short-arm scissors. Mikey bridges out and drops Mamaluke across the ropes. Mikey goes for a belly-to-back suplex but Mamaluke escapes and hits a German suplex. Mikey counters a Mamaluke whip and hits a face-first tiger bomb on him. A dazed Mamaluke tags in a fresh Little Guido. Aware of the rivalry between his partner Tajiri and Little Guido, Mikey tags the Japanese Buzzsaw in.
Guido trash-talks Tajiri briefly before slapping him in the face. Incensed, Tajiri launches a dizzying series of moves against his Sicilian opponent, capped with a harder response slap across Guido's face. Joey: "I don't think Guido's gonna be hearing anything out of that ear for quite some time." Tajiri proceeds to dominate Guido for another couple of minutes until the two opponents stop and stare each other down, to the wholly appreciative response of the sold-out audience. For some reason (a rather sarcastic shoot?), Joey announces, "You are watching ECW on the TNN Network, accept no substitutes!"
Guido takes control of Tajiri briefly and then tags Mamaluke back in. Mamaluke tries to armbar Tajiri who gives him two stiff kicks to the back. Tajiri tags Mikey in and the two faces toss Mamaluke around the ring like a laundry sack. Tajiri drapes Mamaluke over the top rope, preparatory to Mikey leapfrogging over Tajiri and landing on Mamaluke's back. Mikey then holds Mamaluke upside down as if he is going to piledrive him, but instead allows Tajiri to dropkick him in the face. Guido runs in and gets his knees kicked out from under him by Tajiri. Mikey and Tajiri knock the FBI off their feet and then lock on a pair of STF's, followed by stereo bow-and-arrows. The two babyfaces then pick their heel opponents up and throw them to the outside. Tajiri follows up by hitting an Asai moonsault on the three heels. Mikey rolls out of the ring and retrieves a table from underneath the ring, and with the help of Tajiri, sets it up inside the squared circle. Tajiri sees Guido trying to climb into the ring, and dropkicks the end of the table into the Sicilian Shooter. Big Sal tries to climb onto the ring apron, but Mikey throws a chair at his head, then uses the stunned big man's back to plancha onto Guido and Mamaluke. Sal shakes off the chairshot, then takes hold of a chair only to get it dropkicked into his face by Tajiri. Mikey dumps Mamaluke into the front row and Guido back into the ring. Mikey then mounts the top turnbuckle while Tajiri ties Guido into the Tree Of Woe in the opposite corner and hits a baseball slide into Guido's face. Mikey then leaps off the turnbuckle and cracks a chair into Guido's head. Mikey pummels Guido with a couple of firsts, then places a chair over Guido's face and hits that with a second chair. Guido catches Mikey off guard, taking the loose chair and driving it into the chair still held by Mikey. Mikey is busted open, but it's hard to see from a distance considering that his hair is dyed Cyndi Lauper fuschia. Guido tags in Tony who punishes Mikey briefly, stops to dropkick Tajiri off of the ring apron, then runs back and DDTs Mikey. Guido sets the table up in the corner of the ring. Tony and Guido double team on Mikey and hit him with a belly-to-back suplex from the top turnbuckle. Gudio covers, but Mikey manages to kick out. Guido tags in Tony, whose Italian whip gets reversed into a Mikey Tilt-a-Whirl.
Mikey hottags Tajiri, who dominates Guido with his handspring elbow, a few devastating kicks to the head, and to top it all off, a kick into the table, which doesn't break. Tony Mamaluke runs in only to get crotched on the top rope by Tajiri. Tajiri then cracks Tony in the back with a chair, allowing Mikey to Whippersnapper Mamaluke through the timekeeper's table at ringside. Sal climbs into the ring to confront Tajiri. He tries to chokeslam the Japanese Buzzsaw, but gets a face full of green mist. Although blinded, Sal manages to execute a superkick on Tajiri. Guido then hits Tajiri with another chair, drops the chair on the ring floor, hits the Kiss Of Death into the chair on Tajiri, and covers him for the one, two, three. Joey announces that the FBI will defend the belts "tomorrow night" at ECW's Canadian debut show as the show ends.
Speaking of ECW's Canadian show… check out Hingst and Pamer's humorous guide to attending your first ECW show (written with the input of both myself and Freakboy) at http://www.scoopswrestling.com/pages/cl_ecw_grapple_4086.html. And when you're done there, point your browser at the Official Homepage of The Webmaster Of Extreme at http://www.cjmarsicano.com, where we're always looking for the next generation of Freakboys, Lady Miss Carries, SamJerrys, and so on… Comments as always at cj@cjmarsicano.com or threewaytieforlast@hotmail.com.